Category Archives: Amusing

Paradise Piggies: The Mysterious Past of Mayor Gnome.

Munchkin.in.the.WindGood Evening, this is MGNews PrimeTime Sunday bringing you the news on The Mayoral Elections 2015 of Paradise Pastures, hot off the press. Only 4 more weeks to go and we are all biting our nails with anticipation! Tonight, we give you the amazing inside story on Mayor Gnome.

The Mysterious Past of Mayor Gnome.
The Mysterious Past of Mayor Gnome.

Natasha Hayes, our MGNews International Correspondent brings this special report from The Outback of Australia:

As we all have come to understand, Mayor Gnome has travelled far and wide, across the continents. The background is hazy but it seems that he spent a significant amount of time in continent of Australia. Reliable sources tell me that Aboriginal Gnomes may exist in the Northern Territory and so that’s where I went on this fact finding information. I spoke to some Aboriginal people who corroborated the information that Gnomes do exist in this rainforest terrain. They are described as hostile and aggressive creatures but on rare occasions, they do initiate non-aboriginal Gnomes into their community. We do know that Mayor Gnome spent some 2 to 3 years in that area. We can only speculate that he was in collusion with Aboriginal Gnomes.
 This is what an elderly aboriginal man from the Long grass told MGNews. To protect his identity, we will come him Scott:

“…Aboriginal Gnomes…they fast and aggressive. They hide in the shadows and when the sun glints in your eye, the come out like a burst of wind. They take your mind and your heart. Oh, I seen men go crazy, crazy for days with sorrow and woe from these Gnomes. They bad, terrible creatures. I heard a story, many years ago, there was one white gnome among them, as fierce as the rest. His name…The White Devil… I can’t tell you anymore. I fear I have said too much already…”

Gnome.Puppet.MasterThis is ground breaking news brought to you by MGNews. The facts all add up: A White Gnome in Australia called “The White Devil” and now, Mayor Gnome of Paradise Pastures has been dubbed “El Diablo Blanco.” Is this a coincidence? Is Mayor Gnome’s past catching up with him? One shudders to imagine the hideous, macabre deeds that he may have got up to with these Aboriginal Gnomes.

El Diablo Blanco.
El Diablo Blanco.

Thank-you Ms. Natasha Hayes for such an insightful report. Well, we are all flabbergasted and at a loss for words. What a shocking inside story!!

What does the community of Paradise Pastures think of Mayor Gnome’s mysterious past?  There were no piggies available for comment today because they were all too busy eating…

Guinea Pigs at Paradise Pastures.
Guinea Pigs at Paradise Pastures.

Next week on MGNews PrimeTime Sunday, we speak to the panel of experts about this amazing revelation. 6Pm Central/ Mountain Piggie Time.
You just can ‘t afford to miss MGNews next Sunday!!

Relaxing Day!

Together.Tank.TopHello Everyone!!  We had a nice relaxing day today…our first day off in three weeks from farm work.  Sometimes, when we are on an agenda, we forget that we need a break now and then.  I woke up this morning at 5am, which has been our usual wake up time, and said to Gnome that I did not wish to wake up!  We got up at 6am, rather reluctantly because of the doggy and goosie wake-up calls.

Doggy wake up call: mad panting with spurts of whooping.

Our Mad Doggie.
Our Mad Doggie.

Goosie wake up call: Honk Honk!!  Every  three minutes…like Snooze on an alarm clock…this is goosie snooze with no batteries required.

Goosie on the Farm.
Goosie on the Farm.

(As an aside, Goosie even honks back at truck drivers because he thinks that they are big geese on wheels!!)

Anyway, there was way too much noise so we had to get up.  We both agreed to take the day off because we just felt knackered.  And so we watched a movie marathon of Around The World in 80 Days, a three part mini-series with Pierce Brosnan.  It was 4 and 1/2 hours in total, with brief Munchkin snacks in between,  and we really enjoyed it.  Plus, I got a chance to ogle at Pierce Brosnan for all that time!!

Back to work tomorrow!!

Working Hard!!

Odd.Together.ShotHa-ha…this is a real picture of us at last!!  We have been messing around with the computer to see if we can use it to take pictures for the posts.  I am sure you would recognise us now if you saw us on the street!!

Phew!! We have been working hard on the farm!  Gnome has procured his big stick for knocking down coconuts and so we are back to processing them again.

Freshly Grated Coconut.
Freshly Grated Coconut.

We are back to making coconut water and coconut cream for the local market.  Also, we grate coconut for Cotton Tree Chocolate for their coconut bars.

Cotton Tree Chocolate Bars.
Cotton Tree Chocolate Bars.

I really do need to get a camera because I have so many exciting things to show you.  I have been preparing bamboo shoots:

Bamboo Shoot.
Bamboo Shoot.

I want to show you step by step how to prepare, cook and preserve bamboo shoots.  It is really quite simple but it just requires time and dedication.

Also, we have had huge bunches of peach palm.  So much food on the farm, it’s coming out of our ears!!  And the dogs are getting fat.  Gnome says that we need a couple of pigs and a gaggle of geese to eat all the food!!

Peach Palm.
Peach Palm.

As always, still eating yummy food…

Yummy.Food

Have a good night everyone!!

Paradise Piggies: Better The Devil You Know?

Munchkin.in.the.WindWelcome back to MGNews PrimeTime Sunday brought to you by Casa Mascia Apothecary. This week we talk exclusively to Mayor Gnome himself. He’s hoping for a re-election for 2015. Let’s see what his campaign is all about.

Tuff Love. Nuff Said.
Tuff Love. Nuff Said.

MGNews Reporter: Your excellency, Mayor Gnome, thank-you for agreeing to have this interview with MGNews. Tell us more about your New Look Campaign “Tough Love.”
Mayor Gnome: Kindness can be too soft and no results are gained from this. I am trying the mean and tough aspect to get Paradise Pastures back into shape.
MGNews Reporter: Some people think that you have had a personality change and you have been dubbed as “El Diablo Blanco”…what do you say to that?
Mayor Gnome: If people think I am Evil, then so be it!(HaaHaaHaa…rubs his palms together and laughs maniacally). El Diablo Blanco sounds super cool…good, good. (nods his head approvingly).
MGNews Reporter: What are your new policies for Paradise Pastures?
Mayor Gnome: I don’t have any.
MGNews Reporter: Why?
Mayor Gnome: Because those piggies are too stupid to understand anything and I don’t care! HaHa!! (more maniacal laughing).
MGNews Reporter: Well, thank-you Mayor Gnome for your disarming honesty. I suppose I could say that it was quite refreshing since you don’t get much of that in the world of politics. I wish you the best in your re-election campaign.
Mayor Gnome: HaHa!! (lots of cackling and tossing back of head).

No Rest For The Wicked!
No Rest For The Wicked!
Mayor Gnome. Gets Raw.
Mayor Gnome. Gets Raw.

What the Experts have to Say:

Dr. Munchkin (DRCOG), Medical Doctor of Paradise Pastures:

Dr. Munchkin
Dr. Munchkin

In my professional opinion, I feel that Mayor Gnome is suffering from a disorder known as “Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.” He is prone to fluctuation in mood and he appears emotionally unstable. He is also cackling a bit too much. I would recommend a that he takes some sick leave but it is virtually impossible for him to do so at such a critical election time.

Mayor Gnome’s Mother, an authority on her son’s personality:

Oh, I am sure he’ll be right…yes, yes, he is cackling a fair bit. He just needs a good cup of tea and those chocky biscuits (the orangey ones…jaffa cakes…that’s what he likes) and he’ll be as right as rain!

Archie Eagles, ordinary bloke on the street:

He’s as mad as a hatter. He’s not fit to raise a cactus let alone raise a bunch of guinea pigs!

Pedro Choc, another ordinary bloke on the street:

I like his bad ass attitude. Mayor Gnome rocks!!

Casa Mascia.  Quite Possibly The Best Soap in THe World.
Casa Mascia. Quite Possibly The Best Soap in THe World.
I ONLY Use Casa Mascia Soaps.
I ONLY Use Casa Mascia Soaps.

Well, there you go. The Doctor is worried, the Mother wants to give him a cup of tea and he is loved and hated by the people on the street. What is really going on with Mayor Gnome?? Next week, we bring you an exclusive inside story on Mayor Gnome. Maybe that will shed some light onto his personality change.

Don’t miss it…next week on MGNews PrimeTime Sunday.  6pm Central/Mountain Piggie Time.

Sunday Funday starts with MGNews.  You better Belize it!!

We’re Back!!

Together.Munchking.PointingThe last few days, Gnome has got into a right tizz over everything breaking down.

Poor Gnome!
Poor Gnome!

First of all, the brush mower stopped working and it looked like the electric clutch had burnt out; Gnome explained to me that this would mean no more mowing and we would have to bring the parts in and wait another 3 months to continue clearing the bush.  Boo hoo!!  Also, for the last three days, the Internet has been down.  Again, Gnome gave me story of doom and gloom, he reckoned it was a problem with the antenna post, which is slowly splitting up the middle.  He told me that we would probably have to replace the Internet post (this is a major endeavour for us because Gnome wants to incorporate a water tower into the entire structure) and this would probably take the best part of a month…with Gnome single-mindedness and ingenuity.  Yes, you have guessed it…he wants to single-handedly put up the structure by himself with a system of pulleys, knowledge of physics and Gnome brains.  The Munchkin mind boggles…

Anyway, today started off really well with Gnome finding his 1/4 inch chisel…do you remember a previous post about “chucking a maddy” all because we couldn’t find this chisel?  Well, we finally found it and guess what…we don’t need it anymore!!

Gnome.Hand.OutThe brush mower actually miraculously sprung back to life, despite Gnome’s poor prognosis.  It turns out that it isn’t a problem with the electric clutch (yay…it would have cost $200 to replace) but some poor connection with the battery.  The problem is that the mower is not charging the battery so when the voltage on the battery drops, the clutch stops working.  So, all is well as the problem has been solved: the battery is charged with a battery charger after every use.  Oh, and there is a broken switch so Gnome “hot wires” the mower to start it up now.  I am pleased to say that the mower is working and is now thoroughly Gnome-Rigged!!

Munchkin.with.SwordAnd, yes, we are back in business with the Internet.  The technician came out today and said that the “gateway box was fried.”  Furthermore, he reassured us that the antenna was still in the right position, so the post, despite its weakness, was still doing its job.  A big thank-you to Renin, the technician…he was really quite helpful and took the time to sort things out for us.

Now, Gnome has informed me that we are still going ahead with a Gnome Tower for the Internet antenna and water back-up.  Also, we are still looking for a camera…

Paradise Piggies: Mad T Mouse Speaks.

Munchkin.in.the.WindWelcome to MGNews PrimeTime Sunday, sponsored today by Casa Mascia Apothecary, Belize.

Casa Mascia: Stay Clean For The Elections!
Casa Mascia: Stay Clean For The Elections!

The Magical Rodent is in the running for Mayor of Paradise Pastures. She promises a “New Hope” for the piggies in leading them to a new underground civilisation where they will purposefully breed a “Guinea Pig Super Being” to take over the world. Popular media calls her the “Mad T Mouse”; today, we are giving her a chance to speak in this MGNews exclusive interview.

The Universe's Super Being. Trust in Me.
The Universe’s Super Being. Trust In Me.

MGNews Reporter: Good day Miss or may I call you Magical Rodent?
Magical Rodent: My name is Maddy T but please, call me Magical Rodent.
MGNews Reporter: Are you truly a Magical Rodent?
Magical Rodent: Young man! Don’t you see my magical staff of sorcery which I hold in my hand?

Staff of Sorcery.
Staff of Sorcery.

I am a mammal of the order Rodentia. (She bares her teeth)
See…single pair of incisors in my upper and lower jaw.
MGNews Reporter: Yeeess, Ma’am I do see your teeth!  (takes a few steps back). Ok, back to the questions. What are your qualifications?
Magical Rodent: Magical Rodent Level 90, Mage.  Certification for “fast-track” on-line course in genetics.
MGNews Reporter: Tell us about how you plan to breed the “Universe’s  Super Being” from this guinea pig community.
Magical Rodent: Decades and decades of intensive breeding with emphasis on intelligence, telepathy and telekinetics.
MGNews Reporter: That is quite a mission! Do you think that the domesticated guinea pigs can survive out there in the wild?
Magical Rodent: Grrrrr!! (She bares her teeth again).
MGNews Reporter: Thank-you Magical Rodent for this interview. Good Luck!! (He beats a hasty retreat).

We Can Take Over The World!
Together, We Can Take Over The World!

What the Experts Say:

Dr. Munchkin (DRCOG), Medical Doctor for Paradise Pastures:

Dr. Munchkin
Dr. Munchkin

Differential Diagnosis: Paranoid Schizoid or Schizotypal with delusions. Possibly due to brain damage, genetic or cultural inheritance. Requires psychiatric admission.

Mr. Carlton Speeting, Film Producer:

Great idea for a Hollywood block-buster Summer film: Magical Rodent leads her people to the chosen land, breeds a “Super Rat” to lead the people back to the surface to annihilate the humans. Awesome special effects. It is a Sci Fi Biblical Epic!! Of course, the humans would win out in the end…we can’t have the rats winning.  I’m so excited, I’m already thinking about Sequels 2 to 5!

Awesome Epic Across Space and Time.
Awesome Epic Across Space and Time.

Mr. Jonathon Doe, ordinary bloke on the street:

It’s worth a try, eh? If it doesn’t work out, they can always come back?

Casa Mascia Soap. The Best Just Gets Better!
Casa Mascia Soap. The Best Just Gets Better!
I Use Casa Mascia Soap...Because I'm Worth It!
I Use Casa Mascia Soap…Because I’m Worth It!

Well, the Magical Rodent sure knows how to intimidate the public. Is she the chosen one to lead the piggies or is she just stark raving mad?

Will she lead the piggies to the promised land?

Piggies, is Magical Rodent the Chosen One?
Piggies, is Magical Rodent the Chosen One?

Remember,we are the first to give you the News on MGNews PrimeTime Sunday. 6pm Central/Mountain Piggie Time.

Approved Family Fun on a Sunday!

Gnome Foraging on The Highway.

Together.from.FrontA few weeks back when we were travelling on the highway from Belize City to Belmopan, this is what happened:

Sharp Eyes.
Sharp Eyes.

Gnome:  Oooooh look…broom corn!

Flowering.Broom.Corn

This picture makes it look deceptively big but when you are travelling in a vehicle at 110kph, everything looks green and blurry.  Gnome managed to spot a wild edible with his sharp eyes!  This is also funny because he has recently complained of  eyesight problems and thinks that he requires a new prescription for his spectacles.  Anyway, he screeched to a halt and then did a U-turn to bring us back round to the corn.  I didn’t get a chance to say anything, because it all happened so quickly.

He jumped out of the car to grab a specimen for seeds.

Broom Corn.
Broom Corn.

In the usual Gnome style, he attemped to procure a plant to take back to the farm.  You can just imagine what all the drivers were thinking as they zoomed by on the highway, catching a glimpse of Gnome on his hands and knees, digging a plant out from the ground!

Pulling Up Broom Corn.
Pulling Up Broom Corn.

Broom corn is Sorghum bicolor and is also commonly known as sorghum. It is a grass species which is cultivated for its grain.  The grain can be used to make breads and can be popped like “pop-corn.”  In large scale cultivation, it can be a source of ethanol fuel and sorghum syrup. Also, you can make brooms out of them hence the popular name.  It can be used to feed animals and guinea pigs are rather fond of this type of grass.

Well, in our usual Munchkin and Gnome Style, we were both rather chuffed  with ourselves for finding such a useful plant on the highway in Belize.  It just goes to show that you need to be on the look out all the time if you are a serious forager!!  Just drive safely while you do it!

Munchkin Jobs.

Munchkin.with.SwordI was harvesting bird chilli peppers today to dry out in the sun. It is hot and dry again. These come up as voluntary plants everywhere because the birds eat them and poop the seeds out. I like these chilli peppers so I usually let these plants come up opportunistically; these plants can grow into considerable bushes and I have at least a dozen of them scattered around the yard.

Bird Chilli Pepper.
Bird Chilli Pepper.

Well, the running joke, on the farm, is that the birds get them all because I never actually get round to harvesting any of them. Gnome says that one day when we finally have our 4 and 20 blackbird pie, they will be very hot and spicy!

Gnome.Funny.FaceIn order to put an end to the joke (it is after all at my expense) I took the time to pick some of the peppers; I probably picked close to 1000 and that wasn’t even half of them!

Whilst I was picking them, I realised that all the Munchkin jobs involved food in some way or another. On the farm, I am in charge of food harvesting, preservation, preparation and cooking. It is quite a job because it is ongoing and if you slack off, fruit and vegetables get wasted and fall to the ground.

Yesterday, I prepared another jackfruit “baby”…believe me, this is no mean feat when you have to wrestle with such a heavy fruit with all the latex and goo sticking onto the knife and hands! The jackfruit dried beautifully into very sweet, aromatic chips.

Jackfruit Baby.
Jackfruit Baby.

More Munchkin jobs coming up:

Picking of Chinese Jujube; these are green fruit about the size of small plums.  When they turn yellow-green, they are ready to pick and at this point, have the consistency and crispness of Granny Smith apples.  When they are fully mature, they actually turn red and shrivel up like prunes.  This is a version of the Chinese red date, which can be purchased at Chinese supermarkets. This year I will have my own to cook in savoury and sweet soups.

Bamboo Shoot Starting.
Bamboo Shoot Starting.

Oh, and yes we have bamboo shoots coming up. These will be ready in about a week. It sounds like fun when you are reading it off my blog but in actual fact, it is a whole sweaty morning of cutting, slicing and boiling. You really have to be dedicated to food to do all of this!

Munchkin and Grapes.
Munchkin and Grapes.

It is all indeed a labour of love. If I didn’t love cooking and eating so much, I honestly would not do all of this. For any people out there who dream of a self-sustainable farming existence, they need to first of all, ask themselves if they are prepared to spend at least 50% of their day planting, weeding, harvesting, preserving and preparing food. Because that is all it is about. When I first moved to Belize, there were a number of couples who also bought farms and wanted to grow their own food to some extent. One couple, who had more resources than us, even got a digger to mound up 5 feet high garden rows to grow vegetables. Their idea worked wonders and they had tonnes of vegetables…the only problem was that neither of them were willing to pick or cook any of them. At the time, one of them had remarked,

“…do you know what this place (Punta Gorda) really needs?  Yes, we need a “Drive Through” so that we can just pick up our meals…in and out…without having to wait around…

This was a serious comment but nevertheless, I found it hilarious and I still to this very day, it makes me chuckle. For me, the fact that there was no “Drive Through” was one of the reasons why I came to Belize!

In the end, they gave up on the garden idea and now mostly buy all the food in, despite having all the space and resources to plant their own food.

The lesson to be learned here is to realise your own real motivations and predilections because that is your real push to do things. Also, subsistence farming does not make you rich so if you are chasing the bucks, don’t even consider this type of living. If you are looking for food security and independence, then you might think about this as a worthwhile option.

Camera Problem!!

Munchkin.Another.Funny.ShotWe are now facing a slight problem with writing our posts.  Our camera has suddenly stopped working and it looks like it is going the usual way of “throw-away consumables.”  Now, this is really upsetting because the camera was  a gift and it was not cheap.  It has only lasted 18 months.  We are not the kind of people who like to throw away stuff to buy more gadgets to play with and throw again.  Plus, we are in Belize!!  I can not physically buy a brand new camera in Punta Gorda, I would have to drive two hours to Belmopan to get one.  Anyway, we tried the camera on my crappy phone (I am still using a flip phone whilst everyone now is onto the clunky, rectangular looking things) and it does work.  The only problem is that, for some unknown reason, we can not transfer pictures from the phone to the computer.  Possibly because Gnome uses Linux rather than Windows??  However, it does work the other way…pictures from computer to phone…but, that is of no help to us.   Arrrrghhh!!!

I don’t know if getting a new phone will change things…I  loathe to buy yet another gadget.  It is my philosophy to keep a mobile phone until it dies its natural death, usually a life-span of 2 years (how ridiculous).   I might be trying the pawn shop for a cheap camera!!

Here are some pictures that I saved up for a rainy day:

Caterpillars on African Tulip Tree.
Caterpillars on African Tulip Tree.

Poor Froggy!!  Must breed more in our buckets of water…

Snake Eating Frog.
Snake Eating Frog.

Let’s hope we come up with a solution because otherwise, you will just have to read my plain old words and imagine the pictures!

Doggy Rehabilitation.

Munchkin.Feeling.RightousI know…she looks kinda friendly and sweet but believe me, our Beatrice doggy has been quite a handful right from the get go.

Our Mad Doggie.
Our Mad Doggie.

We adopted her at age 1 from an old American lady in Punta Gorda (Ms. Letty).  Everyone knows Ms. Letty because she has been around for a long, long time and now she is one of these retired old, harmless ladies who likes to while away her hours on a recliner watching American sitcoms.  However, for reasons unknown to any of us (we have all speculated but can not find a logical answer) she acquired Beatrice as a puppy and wanted to raise her as a “house dog” in a her tiny, little house.  Ms. Letty also owns a chihuahua so we are not sure why she insisted upon having a rotweiller/pitbull as another house pet.  Anyway, the dog did not go according to plan since she ended up being energetic and feisty and far too big to be kept indoors.  I think Ms. Letty tried really hard to hold onto Beatrice (one year of doggy bouncy madness) but what really clinched it in the end, was when Beatrice started eating the house walls.

At this point, we decided that we needed a farm dog and Ms. Letty was very happy to let Beatrice come to us since we had a huge place for the dog to run around in.

I will not even attempt to paint a romantic picture of this dog.  She is a killer dog and she systematically killed one goose, five ducks and maimed one cat in the course of her time here.  She seldom responds to commands (maybe “sit” sometimes).  Otherwise, she is bouncing about, slobbering and whipping herself up into a killing frenzy for anything she can get her hands on.  You will not believe the number of chances we have given her and each time, her killing instinct gets the better of her.  In order to protect our animals, she is now regrettably tied up on a long chain and we take her on supervised walks (on the leash) through-out the day.

It is not a bad life for a dog on the farm but we would honestly like her to roam around freely without all these restrictions.

Beatrice is 3 years old now and we have decided to give it one more chance.  Well, we saved our pennies up and bought a dog training collar.  So far, we have been using it for 5 days only.  And, I am very glad to say that she is responding really well, just to the beeping noise.  She can respond to 4 commands already and she is behaving consistently.  We are so pleased with our doggie rehabilitation; we are going to continue commands on the leash for another two weeks and the next step will be “off the leash.”

She Can "Sit" Now!
She Can “Sit” Now!

Our ultimate hope is that she can run freely around the farm eventually.

Also, after that, we need to move onto Doggy Rehab 2 with Shaneeka, the guinea-pig stalker.  She also has quite a history but I will talk about her another time!

Shaneeka-Doggy, Guiinea-Pig Stalker.
Shaneeka-Doggy, Guiinea-Pig Stalker.